Foolish anglers Ronnie, Seoras, Callum, Mike and the Rev Bill were so confident of a large bag that they paid for the privilege of catching and keeping up to two fish from Tarvie water which reputedly holds 2,400 fish of up to 20 lbs in weight - even though two of the party had forgotten the landing net! All contestants in the annual Inverness Culloden fishing competition felt in with a good chance because master angler John was absent - still on his way home from decimating the fish stocks in Mull.

Bill and Mike set off first in search of a reed bed where fish are guaranteed to be waiting in line to surrender and jump into the boat - no need for a landing net really. Ronnie and Callum set of next and rowed up the loch to a secret spot renowned for suicidal rainbow trout. Seoras was next and chose a special spot near the beach.

The first hour passed with no sign of fish anywhere. Flat calm, perfect for spotting moving fish. The second hour passed still no sign of life, not even from the fish. The third hour passed and fish were starting to show but nowhere near our boats. The fourth and last hour dawned, pieces were eaten and flasks were drained but alas still no fish. But in the final minute of the final hour the Rev Bill struck into a fish. Divine intervention, piscatorial skill or just luck, who knows? - the only thing that mattered was that the fish was in the net just seconds before the competition finished. Bill, the victor of the first leg with another 4 hour session to go was delighted to have caught his first blue. The fish was an Orrin Blue weighing 2 pounds 2 ounces.

The next and final round of the competition will be held next month on a date decided when the organisers find out when John, the scourge of the EU fish stock quota, is unavailable! The venue should probably be a fish market - where else is one guaranteed to go home with a few fish after parting with the best part of twenty quid?

 As for the Rev Bill - only one fish? What happened to the 2 + 5 rule? Thank G I brought my own sandwiches!

Written, with absolutely no respect for anyone, by Mike Phimister JVP